“Dear Man." Boundary setting.
Life is always evolving.
Sadness and happiness ebb and flow, life does not stop for us, and things keep happening at the same speed whether or not we wished they could just slow down a little.
This is why it both important to learn skills to maintain your mental health, and to make space to exercise those skills in our communities: with our family, friends, work, and all of our other commitments. Sure, these skills might seem familiar to us, but they often are used in ways that don’t empower our wellbeing. These are the yeses and noes of boundary setting.
“Yes” is a powerful word, and its a word we love to use. Its what solidifies opportunity and connection, and walks us down the path towards positive change and healing. Using it too much, however, can take all of that good away from us, making us frantic and causing social, mental, and professional burnout. Over commitment is a common experience, but many people repeatedly put themselves in the same situation because “yes” is generally much easier to say than “no.” One of People’s Center’s behavioral health students shares their experience with over-commitment.
“I am the oldest person in my family, and I have always, by default, filled paperwork, interpreted, paid rent when needed, work more hours, settled family fights, did laundry, and list goes on. I had a mental breakdown a couple of years ago…I realized my family had gotten used to me doing everything, instead of sharing the duties with my capable family members. I had to explain repeatedly what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do. I got push back from my family. My mother was not happy, but she started utilizing my sisters and brothers and now we break chores and responsibilities between us. It took consistent boundary setting for this change to occur and I am much happier since doing so.
“Dear Man” is a skill we use in the behavioral health department to set healthy boundaries. The acronym lays out a template for direct, assertive conversations that can carve more space out for you. Try it out!
Dear Man Interpersonal Effectiveness Skill
Describe your current situation and what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts and try not to use language that may feel like an attack, or like you’re casting blame.
ex. “ I’ve been feeling anxious and over-committed from the work that I’ve been taking on. It’s been hard for me to sleep and I don’t have much free time any more to do what I love.”
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation using “I feel (how you feel) when..(situation)” statements.
ex. “I feel stressed when I’m given so many tasks while my brothers and sisters aren’t asked to contribute. While I feel happy that you trust me with these tasks, I feel tired more often than not.”
Assert yourself. Ask for what you want clearly.
ex. “I want you to split the tasks more fairly, and I want you to support me when I say that I cannot do something.”
Reinforce Why should they change their behavior? The other person must feel like they are getting something out of changing their behavior. It may be a continued relationship with you, a happier you to be around, or a personal benefit for them
ex. “If you do this, I’ll be able to focus more on my work that supports our family. I’ll also be more available for family time, and less stressed overall when we talk.”
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Stay Mindful when making point. Stay focused on your objectives and maintain your position. If the other person tries to change the topic, or tries to point the finger at you, don’t be discouraged and repeat your DEAR script over and over if needed.
Appear Confident when speaking. If you are looking down and speaking softly, your message will not get heard as well. Stay confident, even if you have to force it, and make eye contact.
Negotiate your points .Be willing to give and take. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem, and make time for this process.
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Saying “no” is a hard won battle, but a battle worth fighting. While the word “no” is a tool to establish our boundaries with, pairing it with strong negotiation skills and assertiveness turns it into a long-term opportunity for growth in your personal relationships. It is ok to feel a tinge of selfishness when setting boundaries with others, you must take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
Did this exercise help you? Let us know!